Madonna: Thanks For the Memories!

on December 18, 2008 by Steve Simels
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Bad news for those of us who have always planned to marry for money: According to the New York Times, soon-to-be-ex Mr. Madonna Guy Ritchie is not, as previously reported, walking away with 76 mil of the Material Girl's ill-gotten gains. In a joint statement, Madonna and Ritchie said "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money inolved, was wrongly issued. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement."

Actually, if truth be told, given the general lousiness of Ritchie's movies (the recent Rocknrolla was particulary egregious in that regard, IMHO) I'm not really sure who I was rooting for in the divorce procedings. But I think it's worth remembering where some of Madonna's money actually came from, specifically two cinematic, er, classics.

I refer or course, to the 1986 catastrophe Shanghai Surprise, with then hubby Sean Penn as a glow-in-the-dark tie salesman --

-- and the even bigger 1993 flop Body of Evidence, the plot of which can be summarized as: Madonna Boinks an Old Guy to Death for Money.

Actually, I love both of those, the former (which is possibly the worst Indiana Jones knockoff yet seen by sentient mammalian eyes) for the brief cameo by producer George Harrison (Madonna, bless her heart, referred to him as "a sweet old hippy"), the latter for the scene where Frank Langella reveals that Madonna has boinked him gay. Body of Evidence also boasts one of the greatest lines of dialogue in screen history, when Madonna -- who had just released her notoriously pretentious coffee table Sex book -- looks at the camera, bats her eyelashes, and says (without a twinge of irony) "They've taken something beautiful and intimate between two people and tried to make it into something ugly."

Ah yes, Madonna's film career -- good times! Order the deluxe DVD of Shanghai Surprise here ; for the even more delightful unrated version of Body of Evidence (hint: an extra scene where Madonna boinks the Vienna Boys Choir) get thee hence .

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